He Lights Up My Life

By Sr. Carmen Christi, FSP

Music and song have always been a powerful means of getting in touch with myself, with God and of expressing what's happening inside me. There's a song called "You Light Up My Life," and reflecting on my vocation, I realize that's exactly what happened. The Lord in many and various ways touched my heart and lit up my life in a way no one else ever had or ever could.

I had dreamed of marriage and at least 5 or 6 kids. I loved children and still do! Growing up in a family of five girls, we did a lot of "girly" things, like playing house, school, putting on shows and family entertainment. I found school exciting and challenging and tried to give it my all. My parents were the first ones to nurture my faith life through their example above all. From them I learned the meaning of love and sacrifice and putting God at the center of your life.

Around confirmation time, we made a retreat and there the Lord touched my heart in a new way. I keenly felt the desire and the beauty of belonging to the Lord, of giving Him my whole life. And I wanted to spend my life helping others discover just how beautiful God is, how much He loves them and wants to be a part of their lives.

This awakening, together with the grace of confirmation, led me to spend more time in prayer. I started going to daily Mass when I could and visited Jesus everyday in our chapel at school. Gratitude for His presence in my life and His gifts continued to deepen. Often I would find myself singing my favorite "love songs" to Jesus. He was becoming a more real part of my life. I was blessed with many good friends at school and I felt a real desire to help them grow closer to Jesus too.

There was a community of wonderful Sisters that lived almost next door to me and they helped to nurture my vocation. I spent a lot of time with them, attending retreats, helping them teach catechism and in their work among the poor. However, I didn't feel I was being called to their community. When I met the Daughters of St. Paul, the Lord "lit up my life" again. The Sisters' happiness was striking. There was a peace and joy that they radiated. I felt that I wanted what they had. After attending my first vocational retreat at their convent, I felt so drawn to their Eucharistic prayer. They spoke of it as their daily "Visit with Jesus." There was something special about their mission too. While I didn't quite understand it all, I was able to grasp that they were about bringing meaning, Truth, Jesus into the lives of people: not just some people, but so many people, through the powerful means of the media. The Sisters shared with us a quote of their founder, Fr. James Alberione: "How many times do you ask yourselves, 'Where and how and toward what is humanity moving, this human race, which keeps renewing itself on the face of the earth?" This had a profound impact on me... I discovered that I was carrying this very question in my heart too.

It took me three years before I finally entered. In that time, I struggled with doubts, talked things through with my parents who were concerned that I wasn't making a hasty decision, with relatives and friends who couldn't understand my call. After all, "why not see the world first", they said. "Get some more life experience, then go ahead and enter the convent." But Jesus was calling me now and I felt ready to give Him everything I had, as best as I could at that time in my life.

When I entered I did have a lot of things to get used to. I missed my family so much. After all they were the greatest treasure I had. But I believed that my "yes" to Jesus would draw down many blessings upon them because Jesus is never outdone in generosity! My years of postulancy and novitiate were times of much learning and growth as a person, in my faith, and in my understanding of Pauline religious life. I think the most beautiful day of my life was the day I pronounced my final vows, my forever yes to Jesus. That day, "forever I will sing the goodness of the Lord" was the song in my heart.

After 16 years in our congregation I continue to sing, "You light up my life." Jesus lights up my every day, fills me with joy and gratitude and uses me to carry the light of His love to many people who live in darkness and confusion. No matter what I am doing: praying, working in our Pauline Book and Media Center, visiting a parish with our Pauline Editions, writing and recording radio programs, giving a vocation talk to young women interested in the religious life...it's all a chance for Jesus to light up someone else's life through me, often in quiet and simple ways. It's humbling, because I know I am not worthy to be called to such a wonderful life. But I try to keep my gaze fixed on Jesus and trust that He will transform me and use me for his greater glory! I count on His fidelity. Have you ever felt the Lord inviting you to dedicate your entire life to Him? Does our mission of evangelization with the media draw your heart as a means of bringing the Gospel to the world? Please e-mail me at schristi67@aol.com. I would love to share with you more about our Pauline life. God bless you and know you are in my prayers. Just as the Lord opened my heart, placed the right people in my life to help me, and gave me the grace to respond to His call, I know He will do the same for you! TRUST HIM.