Walk With Others
How to accompany a grieving person.

In the ultimate sense, what helps one through the experience of a loved one's death is faith: the belief that God is taking care of the person who has died, that death is but a door to eternal life, that all life has meaning. Those who have experienced the death of a close family member or friend know, however, that the experience of loss and pain can be excruciating-a sorrow that can last for months and return unexpected on anniversaries and holidays. Grieving can be a time of great sorrow as well as a place in our life in which faith can be discovered anew.

Many times our faith is supported by others-friends, neighbors, someone who seems to understand what grieving is all about or is ready to learn.

15 ways to help a grieving friend
Accompanying Grieving Children

How to Help a Grieving Friend

• Listen. You don't need to say a lot.
• Don't expect your friend to talk about their grief. Be open and mention the deceased person's name so they can talk about it when they're ready.
• Share a cherished memory of the deceased person.
• Deliver a meal, especially if they have children. Don't forget to call ahead and let them know you'll be coming.
• Remember that everybody is remembering to call and send cards the first two weeks after the person's death. Stop in, give a call or send an e-mail a month or two later. Your friend is still grieving and will be happy to know someone remembers.
• Give lots of hugs.
• Affirm that what they are feeling is real and normal.
• Offer to take the children for a day to give some space to grieve.
• Send a card or small bouquet of flowers on the deceased person's birthday. They are especially missed on this day.
• Offer to help with specific tasks. Vague offers such as, "If you need anything give me a call," are rarely followed up.
• Don't expect a lot of your friend. Grieving is a process that takes time and energy. Try to balance giving the person space and being there for them.
• If you have a picture of the deceased person share it with your grieving friend. It lets them know it's okay to talk about the person who has died and that they are still remembered.
• On the deceased person's first anniversary, have a Mass said for them and drop your friend a note. These are cherished and remembered by those who are grieving longer than the sympathy cards that flooded their mailbox immediately following their loved one's death.
• People heal in stages. Be respectful of the grieving person's pace and timing.
• Let your grieving friend know you are praying for them.
• Take your friend out to a movie.
• Don't avoid your friend because you don't know what to say. Even a casual conversation can help your friend know that you care and help alleviate feelings of isolation.
• After several months ask the bereaved person for assistance with something so that, if they are ready, they have the opportunity to get out of the house and out of themselves. Leave it completely optional.

How to Help Grieving Children

• Before helping bereaved children, make sure you have taken time to reflect on your own feelings regarding the person who has died and feelings about your own death.
• Depending on their age level, children understand death in very different ways. Start with a simple explanation and offer more information as requested. Children often reflect on what they have been told and then come back to ask for further information that reflects their developmental level.
• Encourage children to ask questions. Tell them honestly and clearly what happened and tell them that if they have questions they can ask you. If you can't answer questions because of your own emotional state or sorrow, tell them you can't explain any more right now but give them a time when you will be able to. If a child feels you are withholding information or not telling them the truth they will fill in the details with their own imagination.
• Let children know how you feel and in a simple way how you are grieving. ("Many times I cry myself to sleep at night.") This lets them know that they can grieve too and they can share it with you. If you are crying at night or talking with someone and they never see you grieving, they may wonder why you are not sad about the person's death.
• Encourage participation in some commemorative or memorial event following the death. Explain what will be happening (wake, funeral Mass, memorial, burial), and allow them the freedom to choose what they would like to be involved in. Sometimes children are afraid to go to the wake or too young to go the funeral Mass and burial. Death can be an overwhelming experience for children. If children would like to go to the wake or funeral, ensure that there will be support for them there. If they do not participate in these more "formal" events, you can also help them find a meaningful way to remember the person by planting flowers, drawing pictures, sharing memories, or offering them a possession of the one who has died.
• Try to follow the children's normal routine as much as possible. A death throws their world into chaos. Anything you can do to bring some structure, continuity, and stability to their life at this time is a great help.
• If you cannot meet the needs of children because of your own grieving, communicate that to others and ask for help.
• Take advantage of books and services available to help children through the grieving process.