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Life Ways Part X - Steps to a Happier Marriage
Fanning the Intimacy
of Marriage Anne As human beings, we find our fulfillment in relation to others. Intimacy, that mutual self-disclosure between husband and wife, requires trust, communication, effort, quality time together, and the capacity to forgive and receive forgiveness. The amount of time, effort, and involvement we give to each other establishes our level of intimacy. Keeping intimacy alive in our marriage requires hard work and strong commitment to each other. With amazing ease we can slide into situations that can reduce intimacy. Such situations can lead to mutual disillusionment. If they extend over a long period of time, we may find ourselves getting stuck in a rut. Slowly our marriages may deteriorate through a growing emotional and physical estrangement. Alcoholism, drug abuse, workaholicism, adultery, and divorce may entangle one or both spouses, as each becomes more and more miserable. Rebuilding intimacy in our marriages demands our active response-for example, taking the time to hug or kiss before the beginning our day. Dan and I start the day by holding hands and briefly praying together. That first act is followed by many small considerations throughout the day, such as sharing the task of making breakfast. Some days follow wonderful patterns-we both have a lot of time and energy for each other. Then there are the days when both of us race to accomplish the myriad household and family duties that need attention while we try to meet the demands of our jobs. It is precisely these days that challenge our creativity, patience, and perseverance to maintain intimacy. Sometimes one of us must carry most of the load, contributing ninety percent to the other's ten percent. Recently, Dan carried the ball for "us" while I was preoccupied with my mother's health during her surgery. My efforts at intimacy were limited to expressions of gratitude for his consideration. During the months of my mother's recuperation, I put much more effort into being close and actively involved with Dan and our marriage. Many seemingly insignificant things add up to increase intimacy. I always call Dan by name. I begin my dialogue letter to him with a compliment. I surprise him with greeting cards and cut out favorite cartoons of his. In turn, Dan calls when he's delayed at work. He brings home my favorite pretzels from the supermarket, although he himself doesn't care for them. He rubs my back when I'm tired or tense. We plan fun things to do as a couple and as a family. With five children, many compromises are necessary. Intimacy comprises all the things that you celebrate together with your own special qualities to form your "coupleness." Dan In chapter twelve of his Letter to the Romans, St. Paul stresses the importance of involvement in each other's lives. Intimacy demands involvement, not just proximity. Intimacy doesn't begin and end; instead, it is either built up or damaged over periods of time. For instance, during much of our own marriage I was "married" to our TV; Anne found companionship in books. Though we were in the same room, we often were light years apart. Involvement means sharing inner thoughts, hopes, desires, and feelings with each other. Sharing ourselves in these ways helps us know each other better. We may not like some of our partner's hopes and desires, and we don't always have to comply with his or her wishes. Yet, to be close we need to accept our spouse the way he or she is. Although intimacy involves much more than speaking with each other, a decline in meaningful conversation usually signals a decline in intimacy. Sometimes intimacy is closeness, a touch, or showing concern. Perhaps it's making time for each other. Anne and I try to schedule "dates" with one another, whether it is an afternoon or evening or just a walk. The accumulation of these moments of closeness enables intimacy to grow. Within marriage, sex is the physical sign and expression of total and mutual self-disclosure. It is a form of physical intimacy that expresses both a mutual commitment between the spouses and the openness to new life-an openness that directly results from their loving, committed relationship. There is an interesting paradox at play between a person's capacity for intimacy and his or her sexual need. Women often need to experience emotional bonding from forms of intimacy other than sex in order to fully share themselves in the sexual union. But men may often feel the need for the intimacy experienced in sexual union before bonding emotionally or being able to share of themselves in other ways. Anne and I experienced these differences during the period when our relationship was strained and our intimacy level was very low. We found sex boring or so-so unless we had been drinking. The chemically-induced lowering of our barriers was a poor substitute for intimacy, which was greatly expanded by our use of Dialogue and a concerted effort to rebuild. For example, during walks and in Dialogue each of us shared, honestly, what we wanted from the relationship going forward, and how our values and our feelings played into the issues. This gave us needed input so we could make decisions about changing our own priorities and behaviors in needed areas. We took many emotional risks as I strove to overcome a compelling need for control in our home and Anne reexamined the role of sexuality in her life. Fortunately, as our intimacy grew stronger, our lovemaking became carefree again and much more enjoyable. Anne Sex is a physical sharing of ourselves that is enhanced by our emotional sharing. When we make love we physically express our emotional closeness. When we openly communicate about sex, we improve our lovemaking and increase our intimacy. Like all human experiences, various feelings and emotions also accompany sex. During sex, I may feel joy, fear, warmth, anger, silliness, or shyness. These feelings well up within us often uninvited. There is no special feeling I must or must not have. My own upbringing did not include much hugging or kissing and was rather cold. In a society in which sex is everywhere-in television programs, the theater, books, music, billboards, etc.-I often doubt my sexual attractiveness and sometimes fear my sexual feelings. Having these feelings of fear or self-doubt does not mean that I must act on them. I can feel doubtful or even afraid but choose to act in a loving, responsible way toward Dan. Cultural misconceptions, trendy magazines, and many other sources have built within our society myths, double standards, and out right mistaken ideas about sex. It's useless to look to a magazine to tell us how we should feel when we make love, or who should plat what role in sex. We need to look to our spouse, learn what he or she wants or needs, and respect that. Otherwise we hurt, we sow the seeds of mistrust and guilt, and we injure the relationship that sex was intended to bond. For instance, let's say Dan feels passionate, and I feel playful. We communicate satisfying ways of expressing our love. Dan For all I imagined, learned, or didn't learn about sex, I never thought of it a way to communicate how important, precious and exciting Anne is to me. Oh, I told her I was committed to her and to our relationship. I'm not so sure, however, how often at lovemaking I conveyed this message. While we're making love, I have a unique opportunity to affirm Anne on a very sensitive level. The messages we send and receive are extremely important. Messages of sensitivity, openness, patience and love can really come across when we are close to each other. Anne When I turn my attention to Dan during lovemaking, I send signals that affirm him as a man. My non-verbal shows my interest in him. I consider his desires and his specialness. At that moment, what he wants and needs is the most important thing to me. Likewise, when Dan's non-verbal tell me that he is interested in pleasing me, I feel more feminine and confident. When he gives me a tender kiss or whispers a compliment, I know I am special to him. This month, try using Dialogue to explore how you and your souse experience intimacy in your marriage relationship. Try This Dialogue to Enhance Intimacy How do I feel about: Meeting your need for belonging? You are meeting my need for belonging? Being called to love you as you are? Your accepting me? Knowing that I belong to you? Being with you years from now? Knowing you better? Knowing and sharing more of me? Learning? Sharing my body with you in sex? You sharing your body with me in sex? Holding back? Letting go? Telling you my desires? Hearing your desires? Respecting your inhibitions? My body? Your body? How do I feel when: We talk? We aren't talking? Emotional intimacy isn't there? Others notice your sexuality? People flirt with you? People flirt with me? You're too tired for sex? We're together sexually? You wear something special for me? We hold each other afterwards? We hold each other instead?
Copyright © 1999-2003, Daughters of St. Paul. All Rights Reserved.
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