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Life Ways Part III - Steps to a Happier Marriage
Unmasking Ourselves This is third in a series of articles focused on improving the relationship of married couples through enhanced communication and awareness techniques. In the first part, we began looking at feelings and practiced describing them. Readers were encouraged to share those feelings, using a structured letter and conversation process called "dialogue". This article, and thought the rest of this series, we will use the dialogue process to work together to build greater communication and understanding between spouses. Dan In this article, we will look at ourselves as individuals and then the dynamics of our relationship as a couple. While we both have differences and similarities, we each have weaknesses, which we've learned to hide from one another. None of us wants the world to see our faults, so we adopt behaviors that hide them. Sometimes these behaviors are called "masks." Often, they relate to our childhood and how we were able to obtain the attention or respect of our parents and significant others. Also, these behaviors relate to how we've learned to cope as adults. We use masks to avoid exposing our weaknesses, because we fear that people won't love or accept us if they see our flaws. For example, to supplement our family income, my Dad fixed TVs in addition to his regular job. I was quick to learn that I'd receive praise and attention if I could fix TVs or appliances like my father. I was fixing relatively minor TV and radio troubles by age eight and more complex circuit problems soon after. It felt marvelous to bask in my parents' pride as I repaired all manner of appliances to the amazement of neighbors and relatives. Things weren't as good as they seemed, however; in many ways, I did not believe I was as good as the other kids. I didn't know how to play ball or who the players were on the baseball cards the other boys collected. The girls seemed interested only in the athletic boys. Learning electronics gave me an edge on those feelings of inferiority, and I adopted behaviors to compensate for these feelings that I've carried through to adulthood. As an engineer, I've become an expert in my field. I am often afraid that people won't respect me if I can't answer their questions or solve their problems. It's a know-it-all mask I call the "guru," a nickname someone gave me at work. Masking behaviors are normal: we all use them to some extent to protect ourselves. Some people might be "jocks" wrapped up in sports, or "dumb blondes" whom no one would expect to do anything. Some are Don Juan's, bolstering their egos by attractiveness to the opposite sex. When I'm down on myself, I put on my masks. You may have seen posters which say: "God doesn't make junk." Take a few minutes to think about that one. Most of us look at ourselves in the worst of lights. We have one standard for ourselves, and another one for everyone else. If we were to list our good points and our weaknesses, most of us would list more weaknesses than strengths. Why? We consider something a weakness even if we're only guilty of it occasionally, while our good points only count if it's all the time. We need to change that unfair standard to which we hold ourselves. When I'm down on myself and wearing my masks, I'm also hiding from Anne. This can gradually destroy communication. Being honest with Anne about who I am strengthens us because I see that she accepts my weaknesses and me. Anne I have developed my own favorite masks. Growing up, I heard how important it was to be ladylike. There was a proper way to sit, walk, dress, and act. Girls played musical instruments, not sports. If you wore the wrong clothes or too much makeup, the neighbors would say you were hard or tough. (What the neighbors said was very important to my parents.) I learned that I should be quiet and secretive about myself, especially about my femininity. Another lesson I learned was that good masks brought me attention at home and at school. I studied hard and achieved high marks. Of course, I needed good grades because people might say bad things about me if I was less than perfect in school. Today I want to be seen as perfect so people don't reject me. To me, being perfect means being cool, calm, and collected at all times. Since my parents emphasized a quiet, calm, and unemotional way of living, I grew up believing it was important to keep my feelings buried inside me. Today my "Miss Perfect" mask hides the real, emotional, imperfect, and often uncool Anne. In our marriage, this mask makes it difficult to admit that I have needs that I long to have filled. After all, as a perfect person I don't feel lonely, so I can't ask Dan to stay home and keep me company. I don't feel overburdened and ask for help until I'm so hopelessly mired down with housework and the details of hospitality that I explode. I appreciate when my cool, calm, and collected mask gets me through difficult situations at work where I can't let others see my true feelings. However, trying to convince everyone that I'm perfect means that I've acted out of fear or obligation for most of my life. I did so many things because I "should" or "had" to do them. I still worry what the neighbors think, but it's less important to me now that I realize this value came from my parents and that I can live without it. I started believing that God gave me my emotions so that I could enjoy life. By sharing my feelings with Dan, I am allowing him to love me more. These feelings are a part of the real but imperfect Anne-Anne that God created because he loved her unconditionally. Accepting myself as I am is hard at times, but being accepted "faults and all" is very affirming. I have a deeper sense of inner peace and strength now that I can be honest about my feelings and share openly with Dan. Dan Take ten minutes and answer the question: What is my mask, and how do I use it to control/manipulate my spouse? You don't have to share your reflections, just think about it. Then today or tomorrow write a ten minute letter on the question: How do I feel about giving up my mask around you? Remember to describe your feelings in as much detail as you can, but do not blame others for your feelings. Then give and receive the letters as gifts. Read your spouse's letter twice-once for the head and once for the heart. After you finish reading, spend no more than ten minutes talking to your spouse about the strongest feeling expressed in his or her letter. Try to understand the intensity and nature of the feeling to the point where you begin to feel it yourself. If it doesn't come easily at first, relax. With practice it gets easier. Over the next few weeks, try to avoid using behavioral masks around your spouse. Also, pick one behavior that drives your spouse nuts, and, without telling each other, try to change it. Maybe you forget to call when you're going to be late...call. Maybe you don't pick up after yourself.... do it! Maybe you bury yourself in TV or a book each night.... try to set aside time to take a walk together. In other words, put your spouse first now and then. Remember to write letters to each other every day. Pick a question, write, and share the letters together. These are very positive steps you can take toward strengthening your marriage. In the next article, we'll take a look at improving listening skills.
Copyright © 1999-2003, Daughters of St. Paul. All Rights Reserved.
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