|
|
|
 |
Life Ways Part IV - Steps to a Happier Marriage
Are You Listening to
Me? In the previous article, readers learned about behavioral masks: how we use them to hide our vulnerabilities and to control or manipulate our spouses. At the end of the article, readers were invited to try to set aside those behaviors and to be more honest with themselves and their spouses. This time, we're going to discuss ways to improve our listening skills as a means to avoid the many misunderstandings which plague marriages. Dan You may remember the Christmas favorite, "The Gift of the Magi." It's a story about a penniless young couple and the gifts they give to one another. Each has one material asset: she, beautiful long hair, and he, a gold pocket watch. In this touching classic, the lady sells her hair to a wig maker for enough money to purchase a gold fob for her husband's watch, while he trades his watch to buy silver combs to be worn in her hair. A paraphrased and less romantic story involved a couple who is quarreling about multiple issues. At a certain point during their argument, the subject shifts suddenly when the wife fumes, "And another thing: I'm sick of you sticking me with the end slices from every loaf of bread, as if I were our garbage disposal." Her husband's eyes cloud in confusion and pain. He stammers defensively that the crusty ends of a loaf are his favorite. He had always offered them to her thinking they were the best portions. She hadn't known, didn't like the crust, never said so, and ate them grudgingly rather than cause a scene or waste the bread. So all this time, the husband had been doing without his favorite part of the loaf and had incurred his wife's built-up wrath in the process. She, in her turn, hadn't understood the true meaning behind his gesture and, instead, had felt belittled by it over the years. I can't help wondering if the tender young lovers in the Magi story wouldn't someday find themselves in this predicament. How many of us have experienced similar misunderstandings in marriage? No matter how long we're married, we will never be able to read the other's mind, nor will our spouse be able to read ours. Let's have a look, then, at communication-or rather, let's look first at what it shouldn't be. All too often, we communicate with our spouses in the same way we would with anyone else, say a coworker or a person to whom we were simply relating the events of the day. For the long haul, however, this doesn't work very well, because it lacks the emotional depth needed for intimacy between spouses. In a marriage relationship, communication should mean getting clear, concise information across to your spouse. Effective communication combines talking with dialogue, noticing non-verbal clues, and listening. Sometimes important messages, such as: "I love you; I need you; I'm frightened; I feel left out," aren't communicated. Maybe they aren't expressed, or we don't recognize the way they are expressed. It's easy for Anne to accuse me of not paying attention to her. I work in a busy office and live with our large family. Many of the conversations happening around me don't involve me. To survive, I've learned to "tune it out." Anne may start speaking, but I'll have no idea who she is talking to-her voice is just part of the background drone. Sometimes I'm preoccupied. When Anne speaks to me, I'll keep doing whatever I'm doing and only hear the key words. This can't make Anne feel very important, and often leads to misunderstandings between us. For example, Anne might say, "Dan, when you stop by the store we need fruit and skim milk, but we have a lot of bread right now. Don't buy any." By paying only partial attention, I've heard the words "Dan," "store," 'fruit," "skim milk" and "bread." Any guesses what I'm likely to buy? Feedback is a useful way to avoid such misunderstandings. By rephrasing what I've heard in order to see if I've understood correctly, I get better information, and Anne has the clear impression that I consider her and what she's said important. Sometimes, I'm listening only with my head and miss the emotional message that Anne may be sending. Suppose I'd like to make love or go out together for the evening, and Anne declines. Should I take it as a rejection, or should I pay closer attention, instead, and notice that she looks tired or anxious? Trying to understand how your spouse is feeling is the key. An awareness of body language helps me to gauge the relative strength of Anne's feelings. If Anne's eyes are very wide, her feelings are obviously strong. Or, if she's barely speaking, I know she's finding something very difficult. When we truly listen and feel listened to, our acceptance of each other grows. This enhances any relationship, especially a marriage. Anne On any given day, Dan and I talk for a few moments as both of us are getting ready for the day ahead. Deep, attentive conversation does not occur while I am hunting through my closet for an appropriate outfit, getting breakfast started, and checking to make sure our children are moving in the right directions. When we first get back together in the evening, it's hard to give each other the benefit of all our listening skills while keeping dinner preparations moving steadily ahead. We find that many days our deep or attentive conversation time is limited to the twenty minutes we spend writing and talking about the way we are feeling about things in our life together. This is our Dialogue time. It is a special time we set aside each day to look at ourselves and then share our innermost feelings with each other. So we work very hard at using all our listening skills during those ten minutes. Dialogue is a special gift of myself to Dan each day, and the special care I take to listen to him and to tune in to him is one of the important ingredients in that gift. We show our level or concern by blocking out all else except the person speaking, trying to truly understand what he or she is saying and why. When we first started to use the process called dialogue, I wasn't prepared for Dan to pay such close attention to me. After years of trying to get my message across to him, it was disconcerting to speak while Dan looked attentively into my eyes. I was so surprised I'd forget what I was saying. Now, after having had some practice, it is easier to talk to him and to look right into his eyes. The type of listening we engage in during Dialogue has also changed as we have practiced it. I'm more likely now to hear the emotional content behind the words that Dan uses. I've learned which words have stronger meanings. I understand more about him, and that's a building block that leads to deeper knowledge and awareness of him. Having learned more about myself, I can accept myself better. Obviously, Dan and I aren't always letter-perfect in listening to each other. In our ordinary everyday conversations we have difficulties paying attention, getting our meanings across and being understood. Dialogue helps our focus remain on each other throughout the day. That makes the difference. Dan Try to put real effort into using positive listening skills and being aware of body language. Use listening tools especially as you Dialogue. This will help you draw closer to your spouse. Your Dialogue is a structured opportunity to set aside the everyday distractions and concentrate fully on your own feelings and your spouse's. In the following article, we'll begin examining values and expectations-where they come from and what roles they play in our marriage. This is a logical prelude to conflict management techniques, which will be a consequent topic. We'll learn constructive ways to fight without damaging our relationship.
Copyright © 1999-2003, Daughters of St. Paul. All Rights Reserved.
|
