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Life Ways Part V - Steps to a Happier Marriage What do you Expect? Last time, we learned about listening skills and how they can be used in conversation and in Dialogue (that process whereby each spouse writes a letter to the other, sharing how he or she feels about a particular issues, then trading letters and discussing them together). Now, we're hoping to build on these skills and improve our relationship by looking more deeply into value expectations and ourselves. Much of our behavior is based on the personal belief systems and values that we hold and which can unconsciously influence our perceptions. One's belief system can contribute to conflict within marriage because beliefs influence our values, and difficulties we experience with our spouses are struggles over conflicting values. Sometimes our values are really means to satisfy our needs or to protect ourselves. A solid look at our personal values can offer insight into ourselves and can give us a renewed understanding of one other. It can serve to improve the marriage relationship, because strong couples are made up of strong individuals. It can also lay the groundwork for conflict management and the formulation of behavioral decisions. Dan First, let's start by explaining what a value is. I'd like to define a value as something we're willing to make a sacrifice for in order to have or to do. For example, I like writing and often an idea for an essay or article will pop into my head early as I'm waking. I usually scribble the main points right away or dash down to the computer before the idea fades. Now, I also enjoy sleeping in a little later when possible, but this isn't as important to me as writing is; that's why I'll get up early to jot down an idea that strikes me. So here, writing is the greater value for me. There are also such things as shared values. Anne and I will sacrifice almost anything in order for the family to eat together most evenings. Some values are of greater importance than others, such as the value of fidelity in marriage or the practice of religion. Other values are simply natural values, such as health and education. Ideals are often confused with values. I'd like to define an ideal as something that we think has worth, but which we aren't as willing to make a sacrifice for in order to have or to do. For example, maintaining a perfectly landscaped lawn is an ideal for me. I'd like to have it, but I'm not willing to invest the required effort to make this desire a reality. Accordingly, I put somewhat minimal effort into our lawn and shrubs. How we spend our time and the amount of energy we invest to achieve certain goals or desires are fair indications of what we value in life. Anne Our values are often deep-rooted. Once when I was writing a Dialogue letter to Dan, I heard my mother's voice speaking the words I was putting down on paper. I realized that what I was writing was one of my mother's values, something that I had heard her espouse since childhood but not something I myself valued as an independent adult. Both Dan and I were raised in homes where the family all gathered and ate dinner together, but the style in both of our homes was very different. Conversation was continuous in my home of origin, while in Dan's family the children were discouraged from speaking. This difference in communication values surfaced right after our honeymoon. With a little give and take, we worked out our own style. Throughout our marriage, it's been necessary for me to stop and ask myself whether I'm acting according to my parents' values or my own. There are values I received from childhood that I want to retain, like my strong faith in God; there are things I challenge, like not wearing white shoes in the fall; and there are values that involve necessary changes particular to my own independent growth, like becoming more assertive. Since Dialogue became important in my life, I have learned that sharing my feelings is a way of closing the distance between Dan and me. My family of origin didn't put much importance on paying attention to or understanding our feelings, and in the beginning, sharing with Dan was hard. I felt vulnerable during Dialogue. It went against my upbringing to expose myself in that way; sharing their personal feelings just hadn't been a value my parents had expressed. Gradually, however, I began to understand that living my parents' values meant living their marriage too. Well I didn't want their lifestyle; I wanted my own. So, I decided to work at Dialogue until I was more comfortable telling Dan what I really felt, negative feelings and all! Usually one partner finds Dialogue easier than the other. If this is true for you, give each other time and patience. It takes a long while for communication to break down in a marriage. Allow your communication sufficient time and energy to build again. Remember that most of us learned to hide our feelings as a way of protecting ourselves when we were children. It takes real work to stay open to one another and reveal our feelings when our first impulse is to close up and retreat. Dan In a situation involving conflict, remaining open is an important element in maintaining the relationship. Usually, it requires an informed, conscious decision on our part to remain open enough when conflict erupts to listen and see if there is something to learn from our spouses. Naturally there would be no conflict if you both had identical values and ideals. This isn't possible, though, because we are persons with our own histories and individual make-up. Besides, conflict can be a means of promoting growth within us as individuals and as a couple. We have to accept the fact that a certain amount of conflict will be with us always and that it is a healthy thing. A major issue in our marriage cropped up when we realized we had different values with regard to how much respect the children should show us. I expected our teenage children to always treat us with respect, while Anne allowed them more latitude for temper tantrums and outbursts. One could argue either side of that position well into the next century; we nearly did! In another home, such a conflict might never occur for one of several reasons: either because both parents could hold the same value in the matter; one parent could totally dominate, imposing his or her value on the other spouse; or one parent could abdicate all responsibility for the children. It's important to note that domination and abdication are dysfunctional alternatives, leading to real avoidance of the issue. In the particular conflict above, our beliefs and values were obviously different. We each had to look honestly at what we were calling "values." At times, we can "value" something very strongly because it unconsciously is satisfying a need we have or it is protecting us from shame or guilt. Values, instead, should be sought for their own sake. For example, I may realize I am demanding respect and compliance from my children because I have a need to dominate or because I am protecting myself from the risk of facing conflict. When our teens were occasionally disrespectful, I tended to become upset and punitive, while Anne wanted a peaceful solution at any cost. Unfortunately, our children are too much like me. When I challenged their disrespect, they sometimes pushed the issue and it escalated until we were at each other's throats. Sometimes Anne would step in to protect "her" children. At that point, I would be faced with two choices: I could either back down and look the fool, or I could dominate Anne, making her less than equal in our relationship. Eventually, we chose to confront this issue with a desire to understand where our differing values were rooted. If a couple discovers that they are pursuing "values" that have needs underlying them, they need to talk honestly about the situation and differentiate the value at stake from the other issues involved. For example, one of the partners may have to set aside his or her need to dominate or a fear of facing conflict, allowing the children freedom to be spontaneous and autonomous. However, the value at stake-respect for others and for authority-cannot be compromised. After a lot of dialogue and discussion, Anne was able to accept my need for respect, and I accepted her need for more peaceful resolutions in our home. Now, when the kids blow off steam, we both calmly assert that we're their parents and that we expect better treatment. Then we talk together about the value that is concerned. If nothing else, this assertive approach has saved us much parental stress (although it initially drove our kids nuts!) When value differences, conflicts, and communication lapses tear at our relationship, the explorations we make through Dialogue are what pull it back together again. An open-minded desire to explore and to learn is fundamental to Dialogue. When I see Anne trying to understand where I'm coming from, it reduces the pain caused by our conflict and increases my trust in her. Then, too, looking at long-held values affords me the opportunity to determine if they still "fit" in my life. The thought of modifying our position becomes less threatening, and more desirable, to each of us. If I've made all of this sound easy-watch out! It can sometimes be a very difficult process. We often look on marriage as a fifty-fifty proposition based on compromise. When we constantly avoid confronting issues and are closed to learning about ourselves and our spouse's belief systems, our relationship eventually suffers. A big factor in today's high divorce rate is the fact that most of us are trained to avoid issues or to control. In both situations, however, we become uncompromising. When we feel threatened because of conflict, many of us react by adopting the three "S" characteristics: we become strong, silent and stoic. At such times, we need to realize these reactions between behaviors, and we must consider whether closing up will strengthen or weaken our relationship. The answer is obvious. Accordingly, remaining open to each other despite emotional pain is an important decision we must address in marriage. Avoided issues fester indefinitely, while the pain of confrontation is temporary and usually heals quickly when an issue is resolved. Try to use the tools of Dialogue to examine your values and belief systems when you experience conflict with your spouse. If you find yourself arguing during Dialogue, you aren't doing it right! Stick to sharing your feelings, and try to drink deeply of your spouse's feelings. The knowledge you gain may indeed set you free. Next time, we will share a specialized and deeper form of Dialogue specially designed for conflict management.
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