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Life Ways Part VI - Steps to a Happier Marriage
Fighting For Your Relationship Last time, we examined the role our belief systems, values, and ideals play in contributing to marital conflict. Exploring and sharing these beliefs and values creates the potential for healthy expression of differences. In this article, we're going to look deeper into conflict-where it comes from and how it can be managed more effectively. Dealt with constructively, conflict can be the seed-bed of growth and intimacy. Dan A simple definition of conflict might be the following: conflict is the tension that results from incompatible values, desires, or needs. First, we must realize that conflict is inevitable in every relationship. No two of us look at everything the same way. One doesn't need a spouse to experience conflict, however. In fact, many conflicts are internal, waged against ourselves-for example, when we must choose between foods proper for our diet plan and those which we find appetizing but which aren't necessarily good for us. Two people may experience conflict when they want two different things at the same time. Maybe Anne wants us to go shopping and I want to relax and stay at home. Or, spouses could have conflicting needs. One person might need seven hours of sleep each night to function during the day, while another might need only four or five hours. The need is real for each spouse: so too is the potential for conflict. Still other conflicts are based on values. One's value system might maintain, for example, that frugal budgeting is important, while another might be more cavalier about spending. Conflict isn't a bad sign in a relationship. Actually, the presence of conflict shows that the parties are involved with each other. In the long run, indifference is more likely to destroy intimacy. Effective conflict management methods are founded on trust, respect, and solid communication. How we handle conflict affects the levels of trust in a relationship. Many of us avoid conflict. We minimize or deny our problems. This doesn't work for very long, however. Usually anger builds within one or both spouses, and the root issues of the conflict become clouded until one day something explodes within us. Trust erodes as the tension mounts, and the last threads of trust are destroyed in the ensuing torrent. Confrontation is the road to trust and greater intimacy, provided that an air of love and respect can be maintained. Yelling, name-calling, avoiding the issue, arguing multiple issues, dredging up the distant past, blaming, assassinating another's character, interrupting, changing the subject, and giving our spouses the silent treatment are all effective ways to tear down one another and destroy trust. Winning the argument might mean everything to you, but when there is a winner, there is also a loser. Do you want a loser for a spouse? We first need to establish or recall our priorities. Is the issue more important than our relationship? It probably isn't. This realization helps to limit confrontational behaviors to reasonable norms. It's a tragic mistake to push so hard for what we want that we wind up throwing out the baby with the bath water. This isn't to say that couples can't fight, especially when the air must be cleared. Many people think the popular Marriage Encounter movement or being "encountered" means continual billing and cooing like star-struck lovers. That's unrealistic. Look up the word "encounter" in a thesaurus and you'll see that it's linked to words such as clash, contest, skirmish, and conflict. When we learned to fight as children, we fought to win. In marriage we must relearn how to fight, so that we fight fairly. A fair fight involves deciding what the core issue is, sticking to that issue, exploring and working to resolve it while avoiding the pitfalls of name-calling, etc. It means fighting for your relationship, instead of fighting to win. This may sound a little crazy at first, but when I'm very angry with Anne, it helps if I say a silent prayer for her shortly before we begin fighting. It's difficult to attack someone verbally whom you're praying for; besides, attacking Anne won't solve our conflicts. Holding hands during the fight helps too. Our successful fights aren't based on a "this-is-what-I-want-or-else" mindset. Rather, I love Anne and share what I need from her to emerge from our conflict feeling okay. Also, I want to know what Anne needs to come through it feeling okay too. An honest sharing of information on the issue at hand is effective in working toward a negotiated and satisfactory resolution to conflict. A variation of the Dialogue technique you've been using can be very useful in resolving marital conflict. Many people Dialogue on situations rather than random questions. Situational Dialogue, if properly done, allows the participants to share their wants and needs in an atmosphere of calm and trust. This structure allows the conflict to be managed on information rather than decided by whoever has the strongest personality. The acronym, IFABO, describes a Dialogue-based conflict management process based on issues, feelings, attitudes, behavior, and options. A couple experiencing conflicts must decide together what is the most central issue of conflict for them; then, they formulate a question around that issue. Say, for example, you're in conflict over money. You might agree on the issue: one partner wants to control the money and the other partner is left with less control. Together, you would formulate a question such as, "How do I feel about control of our budget?" In your Dialogue letters, you first share your strongest feelings. Like any Dialogue sharing, these feelings should be described fully and accurately, with attention given to the relative strength of the feeling and any similes that might be used to help the other spouse relate to the feeling. A brief example might be: "When I consider our budget, I feel burdened and overwhelmed. It's a strong feeling, say nine on a scale of one to ten. My stomach tightens and my shoulders practically droop thinking about it. I imagine it's what you must feel like when we return from vacation and all the laundry has piled up." Anne Most of our strong feelings are rooted in our past. The situations we argue over evoke strong feelings within us that usually spring from ideas we formed in childhood. In the letter above, Dan describes a feeling, but his attitudes toward money come from my own family of origin. The next part of our Dialogue time together is spent trying to find the attitude each of us has toward the issue, so that we can test the validity of such an attitude today. Considering the scenario above, for example, we might discover that our present economic state is very different from the circumstances of both our original families. This means it may be time for us to readjust our attitudes. The attitude I have about any issue determines my behavior. If handling the budget gives me strong feelings of being burdened, I may work on it with great reluctance, putting things off until the last minute. If balancing the budget makes me feel confident and proud of my managerial skills, then I'll arrange to handle the budget carefully, allowing plenty of time to do the task in an orderly fashion. My attitude and the need I have in the situation directly affect my behavior. What is my behavior during conflict? Am I acting or reacting? Am I listening or avoiding? Am I blaming my spouse or making excuses for myself? I must get past these negative behaviors before settling an argument. Such destructive behaviors are like roadblocks; I can't go forward until I find a way around them. The first step is to gain awareness of my own part in the conflict. Once I open myself and look at my part in our conflicts, I find it easier to move to the last step of IFABO-options. The option part of the letter is the part that requires the greatest activity, because in this section we write as many options to resolve the conflict as we can think of. Writing down anything and everything that comes to mind to solve the conflict is similar to brainstorming. Sometimes, allowing my sense of humor to work or writing really impossible options lightens the list of new things to try. Originality and creativity are the important components for this part of the IFABO. Using this process may not solve your problems immediately, but the awareness you develop will help you both to continue to work at the problem. Life is full of challenges, but two people working to settle the crises in life are much more effective than either of you on your own. Dan Next time, we plan to examine the roles of love and trust in our marriage relationships. Between now and then, try the IFABO Dialogue process occasionally. Remember that you should fight for the relationship. Finally, the well-known Serenity prayer offers a pragmatic view of our reality; the only things we can really change are our own expectations and ourselves. Serenity Prayer God, grant me the strength to accept with serenity the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Copyright © 1999-2003, Daughters of St. Paul. All Rights Reserved.
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