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Life Ways Part VIII - Steps to a Happier Marriage Love Means Saying You're
Sorry Last time, we looked at love and trust as decisions we must make daily. A fresh decision to love can be much more powerful than the starry-eyed promise made on your wedding day. Because it is so easy to break trust, we must risk being vulnerable to our spouse after she or he has hurt us. The courage to risk is based upon a conscious decision to trust, to love, no matter what. Yet that is impossible to do without the ability to first forgive one another. In this article, we are going to develop the theme of forgiveness and its place in our lives and relationships. Dan You probably remember the movie, Love Story, and its classic line, "Love means never having to say you're sorry." Romantic, right? Wrong! This unrealistic concept looked schmaltzy even in the movie. Love requires a willingness to acknowledge when we have hurt another, especially if that "other" is one's spouse. When I have hurt Anne, I find it difficult to approach her directly about the matter and ask her forgiveness. So, sometimes I begin with a neutral subject. After I've "waded into" the conflict issue a bit, then I find the right words to apologize for having hurt her. Other men may buy flowers for their spouses, do something extra nice, leave her alone for awhile, or establish a time for a heart-to-heart sharing. All these tactics are used to send the same message: this issue is keeping us apart, and I want to be close to you again. When one spouse has hurt the other, both are in pain; one may feel offended, the other may harbor feelings of guilt. A simple "I'm sorry" may not be adequate to restore the relationship. The phrase can seem trite-the equivalent, perhaps, of "Oops!" or "Excuse me... I made a mistake." When we have hurt another deeply, we need to say more than "I am sorry." For instance, an apology based on the phrase, "Will you forgive me?" can be powerful. Such a phrase implies that I can recognize I have hurt you, and that a need for change exists. It hands over power to the injured party. Now, a decision rests in the hands of the injured. One evening recently, I arrived home from work only to prepare to rush back out for an important meeting. Anne had loaned her car to our daughter that day and had driven mine to the hospital to visit her mother. Since she hadn't yet returned, I served the kids dinner, keeping one eye on the clock all the while. By the time Anne did arrive, I was really running late. As we passed each other in the living room, Anne mentioned she'd had tire failure on the expressway. She told me she had driven the car to a gas station and had bought a new tire. I stopped in my tracks and asked her rather angrily why she hadn't asked the mechanic to replace the old tire with our mini-spare. Anne immediately responded by becoming defensive. From my perspective, Anne's decision to buy a spare had "ruined" my plan to buy new tires. Now, I was frustrated; I felt myself locked in to having to buy the same brand and model to match the tire she had bought. And my anger was triggered by my tiredness and by having had to rush around all day. I had sifted through facts coldly and quickly without realizing that car trouble is a much bigger deal to Anne than to me. Consequently, I had responded with insensitivity, not taking into account Anne's concern for her mother and how frightened she must have been by the blow-out. In bed that night, I "waded" into a discussion, asking how Anne's mom was doing. Then I asked her to forgive me for having lost my temper and having been insensitive to her feelings. I told Anne how thankful I was that she was safe, and I affirmed her in having handled the situation well. Anne chose to forgive me, and we held each other as we drifted off to sleep. It felt good to be close to Anne emotionally and physically. Forgiveness, like love and trust, begins with a decision. As Christians, we know that forgiveness is the core of our faith. We forgive because Jesus taught us to do so. By his example he has shown us how powerfully healing a force it can be. Anne As Christmas approached last year, I dropped very clear hints to Dan about the kinds of things I didn't want or need. At the top of the list was a jacket of any type; I already owned more than enough. On Christmas morning, when I opened one of the gifts and discovered a matching pants and jacket set, I was taken aback. While we dressed for Mass, I asked Dan why he had bought the outfit, but I really didn't want to know why. I had convinced myself by then that he hadn't paid attention to what I'd said or wanted in the first place. Dan had ignored my wishes, and I felt insignificant and unimportant as a result. When I feel unimportant, I become tense and angry. Unfortunately, I hide my hurt by lashing out in anger. Well, it didn't take long before we were locked in a heated argument. I said many unkind things that hurt Dan's feelings. And our Christmas was quickly becoming a disaster. During Mass, I prayed for the strength to ask Dan to forgive me for hasty and hurtful words. Oftentimes, when we turn to God in prayer, we find solutions that just don't seem possible without God's grace. Inspiration, wisdom, courage, and kindness come when we seek a few quiet moments with God. In the above situation, I was able to ask Dan's forgiveness for my thoughtless remarks. I even gave him the opportunity to explain why he had selected the jacket. Dialogues in which we bring into the open problem areas and issues can help us develop a deeper understanding an intimacy. Many times long-standing hurts can be healed. Usually when Dan and I are writing to each other about important issues, we begin our dialogue letters with a short prayer. I find that praying first to be open and honest gives my letters a depth and a wisdom I usually do not have. Being in touch with God and allowing him to act in our relationship brings me closer to Dan. Asking God to direct us has brought our marriage to a new level of intimacy and understanding. Dan This month, try using dialogue to explore the role of forgiveness in your relationship. In particular, look at how it affects your self-image. Be patient with your spouse, and remember that your spouse's letter is a gift of self to you. Next time, we will take a look at the roles of spirituality and sacramentality in keeping marriages strong.
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