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Life Ways Part IX - Steps to a Happier Marriage
Spirituality and the
Sacraments in Marriage In the previous article, we discussed the power forgiveness can exert in our lives. As the one who forgives and the one who is forgiven give up their burdens, the couple can experience tremendous healing. In part nine of this series, we will look at the roles of spirituality and sacramentality in marriage. Dan Think of a couple you know where there is love, strength, and confidence in one another. Isn't it true that we are drawn to such people who seem to "have it all together"? Sometimes we may even find ourselves looking at such persons enviously; we may feel down on ourselves for never seeming to measure up to their idyllic situation. It takes more than physical and emotional health to create a strong marriage. One factor of a healthy marriage is the individual partners' relationship with God. The quality of this relationship is a barometer of the health of the couple's relationship with each other. If we can trust God's love for us, we can love ourselves and believe our spouse loves us. However, if we believe God is a heartless judge, unconsciously we may hate ourselves for never measuring up. And if we do not love ourselves, we cannot love others. My own image of God from childhood was anything but loving. I perceived God to be demanding, chastising, and judgmental, likely to reject and punish me at any moment. I projected onto God a wait-til'-your-father-gets-home image-only this Father's retribution was much more serious than anything I'd ever faced at home or school. As a teenager, I was humiliated a couple of times when I was in Catholic school. I allowed these and other toxic memories to taint my attitude in dealing with the Church or with God. According to my perception, I was obliged to support a Church that didn't seem to respect me. As the years passed, I chose minimal participation, and even that was done grudgingly. After our marriage, when Anne insisted we go to Mass together, I ridiculed any inconsistency I noted. This in turn put a strain in our marriage: Anne's background had led her to respect and love the Church-flaws and all. More importantly, by always relying on my own abilities rather than seeking God's help, I increasingly allowed problems to threaten to overwhelm our marriage. About four years ago, a friend of ours, Joyce, shared with me her image of God as a loving and forgiving father with whom she enjoyed an ongoing personal relationship. Her image of God seemed much more attractive and made more sense than the image I had of him. Discovering who God really is and giving up long-held images shakes one's being to the very core. A decision to take personal responsibility for one's own spiritual life, however, will have an invaluable effect on a marriage. Since I've been growing in my spiritual life, Anne and I have both noticed our marriage becoming stronger. Holding hands with Anne and saying a prayer together when we first wake up is a peaceful yet powerful way to start the day. When Anne and I are having difficulties discussing issues, I can now turn problems over to God. This surrender helps me to relax for awhile and see the situation in greater perspective. My relationship with the Church has also vastly improved, and I now have several satisfying relationships with sisters and priests. They're people like me, men and women seeking the way, trying to help others when they can, and coping with their own difficulties. And God? Well, I finally realized that he had been with me all along, waiting until I was ready to accept his love. Allowing the Lord into my heart was an important step in my life and my marriage. Anne At our nuptial Mass, I walked down the aisle to the altar on my father's arm, poised, confident, and happy. The aisle was long, and Dan was just a distant figure when I started my procession. As I drew closer to him, I was shocked. My self-assured intended husband stood like a statue, pale and nervous. At the moment of my marriage, I called on God to witness my love for Dan and the beginning of our family. In a voice cracking with emotion, I whispered my vows. In my dream of an idealistic marriage, I was certain Dan and I could tackle any problem that came our way. Marriage is a sacrament with its own rich meaning intimately linked with the human experience. In marriage the man and woman give themselves to each other. With the sacrament of Matrimony, the husband and wife enter into a love that becomes an outward sign of the love of Christ for his Church. Christ is the third partner in every marriage. In the early years of our marriage, however, he was practically non-existent. We celebrated our faith together only through the recitation of grace before meals. That was about it. Caring for young children and Sunday CCD classes interfered with our attending Mass together. Later, Dan blamed the Church for some marital difficulties we were having, and he refused to participate in Mass with the family. During these stressful months, our relationship floundered, and I turned more and more to prayer. Although storming heaven didn't produce magical solutions to our problems, the black clouds did start to disappear. Since then, Dan and I have each deepened our spirituality, and now I am often amazed at the strength and unity we experience when we pray together. Beginning the day with prayer creates a great openness for expressing our love to one another and to others. Prayer and Dialogue are parts of the same loving life we work at creating for each other. The time my husband and I spend sharing how we feel about issues we're facing together allows me to open my heart to God and allow his grace to strengthen and comfort me. When a man and woman enter into marriage, they begin from that moment to live their personal commitment to Christ by dedicating themselves to each other and to forming a family. God's presence in their lives is comfort, strength, and guidance. In a certain sense, as Catholic couples we can give new hope to a world torn apart by violence. By our mutual respect, acceptance, and love; by our struggle to confront issues, to dialogue about problems, and to forgive, we show politicians, news anchors, and military strategists alike what it takes to achieve harmony in our world. When Dan and I work at being close to each other and allowing Christ to fill us with sacramental love, our family life improves. Problems don't melt away, but at least they are seen as problems, not as invading armies out to destroy us. As humans we will never be able to give each other the total, unconditional love God lavishes on us, but as husband and wife we are the instruments God chooses to use to hint at the wonder and power of his own love for us. We become ministers of God's presence for each other every day. Dan Woven through this article is the concept that Christ is present in a sacramental marriage. While this is true, I wasn't very aware of it on the day of our wedding. As Anne mentioned, I looked pale and nervous. Actually, I was in a near panic! Our rehearsal was hampered by a power failure at church and my best man was stuck in New York. Because of a family problem, I had slept only two hours before the wedding. Then, the tailor apparently botched my tuxedo and the seat of my trousers threatened to split at any moment. Finally, fifteen minutes before our wedding Mass, the pastor decided to fire our organist. I was so caught up in these and a thousand other details that I was unaware of Christ's presence in our marriage. In fact, until the ceremony got well underway, I barely knew Anne was there. On our eleventh anniversary, we renewed our vows while on a Marriage Encounter weekend. This time, I was very aware of Anne's presence and somewhat accepting of Christ's role in our lives and of the sacramentality of our marriage. He became a more frequent part of my life. Really, it was only during our work with the Retrouville program that I broadened my own horizons to see the many practical, every day examples of Christ's love. Each time we decide to act in a loving way towards each other, choose to forgive, to be there for, just to hold each other, Christ is present-because we let him be there. Each time we let go and let God be part of our conflicts as we struggle to hold back angry, hurtful words, we're sharing ourselves and our marriage with the Lord. It's in accepting our spouse as another child of God-without judgment, fear, or expectation-that we lead the life Jesus calls us to live. Try to use Dialogue to explore the role of Jesus in your marriage and in your life as an individual. Your own answers may surprise you as you write them. Try to view your marriage as a journey and find reasons to build all the love into it that marriage can hold. Dialogue Questions to Help Get You Started: How do I feel when: I pray I pray for you Someone is praying for me We pray together My spiritual needs are met My spiritual needs aren't met Religious leaders inspire me Religious leaders fail to inspire me We go to church together How Do I feel about: Our prayer life Our faith Spiritual growth Relying on God Our marriage commitment Couple prayer Being part of a faith-community Sacramentality in our marriage My role in your spirituality Your role in my spirituality
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